Needing a Kneading

Need

1. a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation
2. a lack of something wanted or deemed necessary
3. a necessity arising from the circumstances of a situation or case 

Knead

1. to work (dough, clay, etc.) into a uniform mixture by pressing, folding and stretching
2. to manipulate by similar movements, as the body in a massage

I don't know about anyone else, but life has a peculiar way of absolutely humbling us.  I can honestly say my life has been quite the journey over the past few years.  From losing basically everything, to enduring the literal fight for survival, it can be said I have overcome a lot.  I am aware that there are people out there who may have it much more worse than I, and it's for that reason I do my best not to ever complain.

If we are completely honest, we have all come to that crucial stage where we ask ourselves or "What the .... else can possibly happen?" I know I asked myself that question within the past several days, and yet I ended up coming to one conclusion......There has to be a purpose for all the trials that we go through! Yes, there are times that seems like the easiest answer to give when someone is going through, but there has to be some level of truth to it right?  Then a certain revelation came to me.....While I was concerned about what I felt I needed, I was in the process of actually being kneaded!

The video below explains in great detail the "kneading" process...

Here are the main highlights:

• The purpose of it is to mix the necessary ingredients (flour and water) in order to add strength to the final product.  
• The process warms and stretches the dough, which in turn causes it to become springy and elastic.  If it's not stretched enough, it will not be able to hold the gasses and particles caused by the yeast.  If this takes place, the dough will collapse, leaving it heavy, dense and it's basically useless.
• At the conclusion of the kneading process is when yeast is applied, which is when the dough can begin to RISE (the technical term is "prove")
• Once the dough has been proved, it still has to endure another process where it's knocked and punched down, which removes any large air pockets which have formed in the dough.  The way to tell if the dough has been finished is when you are able to poke it and the texture bounces back to its' original form.

Life has a way of putting us through a similar process.  So many of us know what it is to have been seemingly tossed all over the place.  We have experienced being emotionally punched and dragged all over the place.  When it comes to our finances, we may have been knocked and punched down and left in a state where things look bleak.  It could even be sickness in our bodies and the doctors giving us a not-so-good prognosis.  Yet there is a method behind all of the madness.  We cannot truly RISE until we have experienced the entire process.

I don't know who this is for, but please don't give up during this fight of and for your life.  You may be wanting to know why this all is happening to you and when it will be all over, but we must recognized this process is necessary.  We truly need to be kneaded so that everything that shouldn't be in us is able to leave, which in turn will cause us to be in the position to rise. 

One of the most powerful aspects of this is that you will finally get to the point where when you are punched or poked and will be able to bounce back from it.  You thought you were strong before, but life has away of revealing our true strength.  Just like lifting weights, in order for our muscles to increase strength, they must be stretched to their furthest limits.  

Similarly, kneading takes place when one receives a massage on a region of the body.  When one does the kneading process on the muscles, it releases the toxins and everything that's within them.  They say the best sign to know you have received a great massage is if you have to use the restroom.  Life also has a way of kneading out the things that are causing harm to us.  

This is definitely the season where you will bounce back and in turn be able to conquer those things that at one time held you down.  Even when you were at your lowest point, that was only the beginning of one of the greatest comebacks known to mankind!

Finally, once the kneading and every other test has taken place, the dough is then placed in a hot oven.  Every instance someone lie on you, treat you like a pure dog, or do any other manner of evil against you, do not shrink into the role of a victim.  Just keep enduring the heat because it's only after then you will come out as a pure and perfect product.  I believe in you and your ability to overcome any obstacle set in your way.

Love's Manifesto

Love
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child or friend. 

Manifesto
a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives, as one issued by a government, sovereign, or organization

From the moment we were conceived, we have been involved in the ultimate fight of our lives.  Millions of sperm cells rapidly escaped your father's loins, with you being the strongest one...yet for what purpose?  Included in the first moments you were in your mother's womb and the initial moment she held you in her arms arms was an ardent desire to feel this great phenomenon that you just can not escape.  From our adolescent and impressionable teenage years to whatever point of adulthood we now face, we have been in this one fight that we will never avoid......To be loved

*cue Prince Akeem singing "To be loved" after his first date with Lisa (Coming to America reference)*

I can recall this one specific day in the 2nd grade that I will never forget.  I was sitting there doing the assignment and eating a sprinkled donut, which was rewarded to us for good behavior.  I received a tap on my shoulder and was subsequently handed a note.  I was given a note from this young lady (who shall remain nameless...shoot she may be reading this) who at that time was the cutest girl I had ever seen in my life.  I opened the note and it read something to the effect of this:

I can recall the temporary state of paralysis that had overtaken my entire being.  My school work looked like it was written in Chinese, while my teacher and the subsequent chatter surrounding me sounded the adults Charlie Brown's (Peanuts) instructor.  What was this feeling I was experiencing?  How in the world was this girl able to just shut down my entire world with one note? I remember keeping the note for a little while, but to this day, I never really answered her.

That was my first experience where I found myself desiring the affection of someone who was outside of my family.  From that point forward, I found myself trying to gain some measure of acceptance from my peers.  I was always the oddball of the group and never was really viewed as one of the cool kids.  As the years went by, I stopped showing interest in various girls because my offers always got shot down.

Move forward to April 4, 2000 @ 11:58 a.m. (EST) when I made the most life-impacting decision in my history (at that point) and decided to give into my innermost carnal desires.  With her and the numerous women that followed thereafter, I was still in a constant search for that one thing...My interesting dating history and eventual marital experience all revolved in a feverous search of a treasure I just seem to have not been able to discover yet...

There's no doubt in my mind that we all desire to be loved, but yet what happens when we fall victim to being held captive by that desire?  I am willing to bet that some of the absolute WORST decisions that have been made in many of our lives was because of the fervent desire to be loved.

Love has the tendency to hold us within the prison cell of our hearts, while offering up our morals and standards as a ransom.  I can recall instances in my life where I did some things I said I would never do all in the name of being accepted.  But how do we break free?

This is one instance where I really do not have the specific answer, but I am just going to throw some things out there that may work:

1. You must first love yourself

What sense does it make to attempt giving someone our all, when we can't even stand the very sight of our own reflection?  This is probably the one attribute that has impaired my past relationships.  I think it's virtually impossible to love someone else while possessing turmoil within us.  We are only deceiving ourselves.

2. Don't be so quick to "fall in love" 

My grandfather taught me years back to never fall in love.  He said that whenever someone falls, they end up getting hurt.  I look at it as when we fall, we have no control of where we land or even the level of impact we will make with the spot we land on.  I feel we have to learn how to truly walk in love and be mature while doing so.

3. Love is not blind

I'm sure many of us can recall an experience where we entered into a serious relationship with someone we barely knew and professed it as being love.  Neurobiological studies show that the passion of love create feelings of euphoria and exhilaration.  It further states that the areas that are activated in response to romantic feelings coincide with the areas of the brain associated with reward, desire, addiction and once again euphoric states.  It's the release of dopamine that puts us in that feel-good state (this is where the term "dope" comes from, since cocaine contain high levels of dopamine and has that very effect on the body)

Love has to become more than just a momentary fix, but rather an intentional and intelligent decision that's made.  Love is truly a person that has to continually be nurtured and matured in our lives.  When love is present while lacking knowledge and maturity, that's when it becomes lust.  Lust goes deeper than just desiring sex.  It's mainly a passionate or overwhelming desire or craving.  Most of the time, many people lust for acceptance and attention and love is just the way they disguise it.

4.  Love is intentional 

I've learned the hard way that love takes time and effort into making it grow.  My grandmother taught me that love and marriage is not a vacation, but rather a vocation.  We really have to work towards truly nurturing and cultivating our relationships.  The same hold true with our friendships.  We have to grow past the point where we love in just word, but our deeds have to match as well.  Consistency is the best determinant as to if someone truly loves you unconditionally.

5.  Love is not controlling

There are many who have been in relationships where one of the parties have tried to have full control over the other.  From patrolling the messages that are in one's phone, to monitoring every single post that comes across their Facebook page, to having full control and autonomy over the friends that you are "allowed" to have.  I am not sure who would want to live in a prison like that.  There has to be true trust and respect involved to the level that all the person's fears can be alleviated.  If manipulation and blackmail are staples in your relationship, that cannot be healthy at all for you.  If great sex is all your partner can offer, or if that is what they primarily use to influence you and your decisions, is that really healthy for you?

My name is not Tony Gaskins and I am far from a relationship expert.  However, I am one who believes in having another opportunity to get it right.  This is probably the hardest subject matter I have been able to write about because I am still trying to find out what all entails properly going on this journey.  I'm excited about the prospects of love in the future.  Am I ready for love?  I think so, yet there are so many more opportunities I need to grow first.  I think we all can honestly say the same thing in so many areas of our own lives....

Feel free to share your thoughts below, for I definitely need feedback on this topic.

Irreconciliable Differences

As I sit here and write this, I am literally counting down the end to my 31st year of life.  It's safe to say that this has literally been the worst 365-day interval my life has ever experienced.  I won't go into details because it would be a waste of time to even recount the various instances where heartbreak and broken promises seemingly became a daily norm.  I am not one who enjoy being the guest-of-honor at pity parties, and this will definitely not be one of those posts where the entire "Woe is me" phenomenon takes place...It's actually quite the opposite.

The tears of utter frustration and the bitter feeling of failure seemingly just tried to overwhelm me.  Yet, I was able to fight back and not succumb to them.  I think we are oftentimes stuck in a gap of time where we are not sure what exact state is.  It's the battle of who we know we are versus what our current conditions are...

Perception (Perceive) 

• to become aware of, know, or identify by means of the senses
• to recognize, discern, envision or understand.

Reality 

• something that exists independently of ideas concerning it, and of all other things from which they derive

I look at Perception and Reality in terms of a married couple within us.  For sake of argument and my own interpretation, we will cast perception in the female sense and reality as a male...  

Perception deals more with the mental interpretation of who you are and whatever circumstance you are in.  Reality deals with the facts that are laid out before us in black and white.  

Perception is the defense lawyer in the courtroom who relies on circumstantial evidence in an attempt to ensure their client's acquittal.  Reality is the prosecutor, who has bags and bags of evidence laid out on the table, along with various charts attempting to prove your guilt.

The question in my mind is what happens when both sides are actually correct?  Here's the evidence in my own life (I don't mind being transparent).

I am perceived to be bright, intelligent, gifted in various aspects, well-spoken, respectful towards everyone around me, and so giving to the point where I've set back my own life in order to ensure someone else made it through a difficult situation...

Reality states that I've been struggling to find a good sufficient and sustaining career path, I do not have a degree, I've lost just about everything that was precious to me, I'm living with family until I get back on my feet, a non-ending fight with depression, a fear of rejection...and the list goes on.

In my mind, the fact of the matter is Mr. Reality and Mrs. Perception are once again both correct.  But as you can see there are so many differences in opinion.  The easiest thing is to let them go their separate ways and file for emotional and internal divorce, but we cannot let that happen.  The question is how can we remarry the two so that the individual isn't left in limbo and being pulled in two separate directions.  Why place ourselves in a position to need cognitive child support...These are differences that can in fact be reconciled to help one fulfill the purpose in their life.

To me, the answer is to simply take absolute control of your life.  That begins with taking full responsibility for all past transgressions and bad decisions (versus blaming everyone else) and like the previous post ("What That Mouth Do") illustrated, continually speak positive things into yourself.  I believe that we can sometimes make our internal battle much larger than it actually has to be.  If we are not careful we can either allow ourselves to fall into an unnecessary abyss when things aren't going so well.  Conversely, we can allow ourselves to fall into a false sense of security when things are seemingly going right.

Proper prospective is everything.  Things are not as bad as they may seem.  You are more than likely more close to breaking through than you really realize.  Why turn back now?  You've come too far to give up.  Keep hacking at your dreams...Hell, keep dreaming!  At the same time, have a plan in place to make ensure your dreams in fact become reality.  One thing about perception and reality is that we have the ability to change both!

Oh by the way, it's my birthday now!  What better day to start rekindling the fire than today? 

What That Mouth Do?

Here are some interesting facts about the mouth:

• The average person in western civilization eats up to 50 tons of food and drink 11,000 gallons of liquid during their lifetime.
• It takes food an average of seven seconds to go from the mouth to the stomach
• A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 100 mph
• The mouth contains various objects such as your teeth, uvula (the dangling thing at the back of your throat) and the palate (roof of the mouth)
• Three pairs of salivary glands are in your mouth.  They are responsible for putting saliva in your mouth.  That helps to lubricate your food, as well as contain the enzymes that break down your food before they get to your stomach.
• Humans have unique tongue prints, just like we all have different fingerprints.
• Relative to its size, the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body, and it is also the only muscle that is attached on only one end.    (source: softschools.com) 

Now I know quite a few of my peers saw the original subject and their minds possibly went to a certain place.  I may even get a few raised eyebrows by even the very thought of it, but hey, I'm grown! As amazing as some good ol' fashioned "WTMD" is, I want to concentrate on the opposite end of the spectrum and concentrate more on what I have determined is the the ultimate weapon of mass destruction....Our words

If we all knew how powerful our words were, we would be more careful and selective in what we would allow to escape our mouths.  I am quite sure many of us have fallen victim to some of the most cruel words in the human language.  I know I have.  Growing up, I was always picked on for being the skinny kid with the big head.  The kids in school said the only reason I was smart was because I had extra room in the back of my head for my brain.  

In a book entitled "Words Can Change Your Brain" (written by Dr. Andrew Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman), they write the following:

"A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress."

They say that positive words, such as "peace" and "love" can alter the expression of genes, strengthening areas in our frontal lobes and promoting the brain's cognitive functioning.  However, hostile language can disrupt specific genes that play a key part in the production of neurochemicals that protect us from stress.  We as humans are hardwired to worry because an integral part of our brain's function is to protect us from any threat to our survival.

However, a single negative word can increase the activity in our amygdala (the fear center of the brain). This releases dozens of stress-producing hormones and neurotransmitters, which in turn interrupt our brain's functioning.  Newberg and Waldman further writes that "Angry words send alarm messages through the brain, and they partially shut down the logic-and-reasoning centers located in the frontal lobes."

Below is what they contend as to how using the right words can transform our reality...

"By holding a positive and optimistic [word] in your mind, you stimulate frontal lobe activity.  This area includes specific language centers that connect directly to the motor cortex responsible for moving you into action.  And as our research has shown, the longer you concentrate on positive words, the more you begin to affect other areas of the brain. Functions in the parietal lobe start to change, which changes your perception of yourself and the people you interact with.   

A positive view of yourself will bias you toward seeing the good in others, whereas a negative self-image will include you toward suspicion and doubt.  Over time the structure of your thalamus will also change in response to your conscious words, thoughts and feelings, and we believe that the thalamic changes affect the way in which you perceive reality."

(Source: psychcentral.com)

So for those who didn't feel like reading everything above (lol), here is a brief synopsis of what we have learned so far...

• Relative to its size, the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body
• Humans have unique tongue prints, just like we have different fingerprints.
• One single word has the power to influence the genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.
• How you view yourself is reflected in the way you look at and treat others

The reason why so many of us are stressed out and miserable is because of the words that we choose to focus on.  In the world of social media, it is quite common to see some of the most venomous interactions between people.  In our own personal lives, we have the tendency to beat our inner man/woman down, versus encouraging and lifting ourselves up.  It's powerful how just ONE WORD is able to dictate your entire mood and focus.  ONE WORD...just let that sink in a little.

How are you using your words?  What are your conversations like with other people?  Are you an expert at building people up?  Or are you an absolute wizard at tearing them down?  The reason why many people have the ability to tear people down so easily is because they themselves are so miserable within.  The kids who picked on my big head and skinny body were trying to mask their own insufficiencies and chose to focus on what they saw as shortcomings. 

Let us be more mindful of the words that we allow to escape our lips.  The attempt of taking back our words is just as hard and meaningless as trying to put toothpaste back in its original tube.  

Our ultimate healing will happen within ourselves.  If it seems like nothing is going right, you may have to look at how you view yourself.  We are all at an age where what anyone thinks about us should be the furthest thing we should be concerned about.  Walk in front of the mirror and just speak positive things into your own life.  

You are smart...you are beautiful...there is nobody on this earth who can be you better than you can...You will be successful...You are a walking and breathing millionaire...You don't have to be second-place to anyone or anything...

You've got this...just keep speaking it!

A Breathing Epitaph

Epitaph:

1. a brief poem or other writing in praise of a deceased person.  

2. a commemorative inscription on a tomb or mortuary monument about a person buried at that sight.

Over the course of the past few days, I have really been more to myself and thinking about this roller coaster ride we have identified as "LIFE."  I am a few days away from turning 32 years old (2/12/1983) and this has really been a season of introspection for me.  It's safe to say I experienced possibly the worst year of my entire existence. I have been fighting steadily being disappointed in various areas, along with still trying to catch the wave of momentum that's really going to carry me through to the next level.  I find myself wondering why I am still alive and why the good Lord above has not wiped me off the map yet.  I also realize how fragile life is and how we can never take our next breath for granted.

In my hometown of Youngstown, Ohio, we have become so desensitized when it comes to death, mainly because it's been so prevalent and frequent amongst us.  I can personally admit I used to only watch the news to see if anyone got killed that particular day.  It is my understanding that we even lost yet another young black man to gun violence this past weekend. 

I've been reflecting on how this past weekend, approximately 4 years ago, I lost a good friend of mine to unnecessary gun violence.  The young man was on course to graduate from college and was the furthest thing from what people identify as a "thug."  I had just spoken to him the day prior, as he was volunteering mentoring young men at the school I worked at.  I remember the huge smile on his face when I gave him dap and told him "Bro I'm just trying to be like you when I grow up!" I had no idea that it would be the last time I would ever speak to him, as he got brutally murdered at an off-campus party for basically doing his best to be a peacemaker.

I also reflected on my own life and the people who have made the most powerful and positive impact throughout my existence.  I have found myself wondering what my deceased grandfather would truly think about me right now if he were still with us.  I sometimes feel like a disappointment due to all the gifts and unfilled potential within me.  However, at the same time, I know that I still have a long life in front of me and a legacy that I still have time to leave on this earth.  So this just brings me to a critical question we all seemingly ask ourselves...

Have you ever just sat down and thought to yourself "Why am I even here?"  Do you know what your life's true purpose?  Are you truly living, or are you just merely a breathing organism taking up space and oxygen?  When you die, what will your legacy be?  Will you even have one?

Some may call it weird, but there are days where I find myself reading the various obituaries that are posted on the local newspaper's website.  Most of the time, these are people I have never met or nonetheless even heard of, but I'm always anxious to see what mark they left here on the earth.  There are some listings that take up an entire column, while there are others who may be a short paragraph.

What I have grown to learn is the fact that we are daily, if not hourly placing a pen to our life's story and biography.  I personally refuse for my life to be summarized in just two sentences.  Am I truly being effective in this life I have been gifted?  Are lives being positively impacted from them coming in contact with me?

It has been commonly said that the various graveyards/cemeteries are amongst the richest soil on the earth.  Not so much because of their property value, but because so many people have died with their gifts still within them.  I know for a fact that whenever my time comes to leave this earth, I want to die empty.  I want to be assured that I have given absolutely everything I have.  One of my friends terms it as "leaving a dent in the earth." 

Too many care about how other people feel about them, but the question should actually be what does your life say about you?  You may not know this, but there are people who are reading your Epitaph everyday.  My grandfather used to always say that "your actions are speaking so loud, I cannot hear a word that you're saying." 

As unfair as it may seem, you may be the one who they are leaning on for a source of light and hope.  By you not giving up, you just may be saving someone from succumbing to suicidal thoughts.  By getting yourself back up after being knocked down, you may be giving hope to someone who find themselves in a similar fight.  You walking with your chest out and head held high (even when you feel like you just swallowed a hand grenade that has gone off within you)  just may give someone the assurance that they can make it to.

Let us all be more mindful of the message our individual lives are sending.  With the right mindset, we will never take life for granted again.  It's truly the most precious gift that we are only privy to one time...

Starving the Beast WIthin

On last evening, I was watching Super Bowl XLIX with my family all crowded into the living room.  Most of us thought the game was over when Seattle was up 10 points in the 4th quarter, only to have the golden boy himself, Tom Brady, bring the Patriots back and take the lead.  Let's fast forward to the apex of the entire game.  The Seahawks had driven down to inside of the 1 yd line with 20 seconds remaining and 3 potential chances to score the game-winning touchdown.  Everybody on the entire planet figured that the ball would go to Marshawn Lynch, who is one of the most rugged and physical running backs in history.  

Over the past few years he has birthed what is known as the phenomenon "Beast Mode," in part due to him being perhaps the hardest person to tackle to the ground.  It usually takes up to 2-3 defenders to bring him down because he is relentless and refuses to go down.  So instead of making the common sense decision of "feeding the beast," the Seahawks' genius coaching staff decided to inexplicably throw a pass, which ended up getting intercepted by a kid named Malcolm Butler (who overcame so many odds just to get on the field).  In the end, history and individual legacies were all decided with just ONE decision...

How many times have we made a decision and had to live with the consequential demons for the remainder of our lives?  The difference between us and the Seahawks' coaches is the fact the entire world was not privy to the absolute blunders we all have made.  Which brings us back to "Beast Mode" itself...

While so many of us were screaming at the television or on social media ripping apart the decision not to run the ball at the end, how many times do we make the mistake of feeding our innermost beast(s)? It is safe to say that there is no perfect individual alive and that we all have internal issues we are constantly dealing with that very few people will ever see.  If you don't, please stay away from me because I may infect you.  We all have those innermost demons who just seem to feed on our most unfortunate decisions and conditions.  Here are a few official definitions of a beast...

Beast 

a. the crude animal nature common to humans...

b. a cruel, coarse (harsh, vulgar, crude), filthy or otherwise beastlike person 

Whether we realize it, refuse to confront it, or just have absolutely no clue at all, we feed our inner beasts on a daily basis.  It's interesting how the term "beast" has become a term of endearment over the past few years to imply someone is very good at what they do, but that's not the original usage of the word.

The beast(s) within can include (but are not limited to) depression, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, anger, unforgiveness, utter hatred, filthy obsessions, strong addictions, etc.  Not only do they affect us, but they can in turn take a toll on the way we treat the people who are closest to us.  I for one find myself trusting hardly anyone when those moments come.  It's akin to a dog who has just got hit by a car...once you reach down to help him, he will bite at you out of self-defense because he is injured.  

I know in my own life, there are so many issues I have had to battle...Those closest to me know that I have dealt with depression for about the past 15 years.  There's a painful memory that I allowed to change the scope of the remainder of my life to this point.  It led to terrible decisions such as losing my virginity at a young age, being quite promiscuous while others viewed me as the consummate "church boy", delving into alcohol addiction, a pornography addiction, always seeking to be affirmed and of course trying to uphold such a ridiculously high standard before everyone else vs addressing the issues within me all because of my surname and not wanting to bring embarrassment to my family...

I have come to the point in my own life where I refuse to feed my inner "Beast Mode" any further.  Feeding him has "won" me some victories, resulting in temporary physical/mental pleasure, only for me to return back to the state I was in (sometimes even worse).  When things are starting to go bad, it's easy to curl up in a little ball like a little (female dog).  It's easy for us to blame everyone else for the condition we are in, but now is the time for true introspection so we can finally be free. 

Many of us are missing out on the big breakthrough because we would rather play the role as a victim, versus taking control of our own lives.  We have millionaire potential but cannot seem to defeat the poverty mindset.  From this point forward, we have to learn how to truly affirm and speak well of ourselves.  There's royalty in all of us that's begging to come out, but it's more "comfortable" being miserable.  But the future pity parties just got canceled and it's time to slay the beast.  

Just like Pete Carroll refused to give Marshawn Lynch the ball to win the game, we need to do the same in our own personal lives. No more Beast Mode wreaking havoc in our lives...It's time to get in our Best Mode...You were created to be great...You were created to prosper and be a blessing to others...Don't ever settle for less again!