Love's Manifesto

Love
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child or friend. 

Manifesto
a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives, as one issued by a government, sovereign, or organization

From the moment we were conceived, we have been involved in the ultimate fight of our lives.  Millions of sperm cells rapidly escaped your father's loins, with you being the strongest one...yet for what purpose?  Included in the first moments you were in your mother's womb and the initial moment she held you in her arms arms was an ardent desire to feel this great phenomenon that you just can not escape.  From our adolescent and impressionable teenage years to whatever point of adulthood we now face, we have been in this one fight that we will never avoid......To be loved

*cue Prince Akeem singing "To be loved" after his first date with Lisa (Coming to America reference)*

I can recall this one specific day in the 2nd grade that I will never forget.  I was sitting there doing the assignment and eating a sprinkled donut, which was rewarded to us for good behavior.  I received a tap on my shoulder and was subsequently handed a note.  I was given a note from this young lady (who shall remain nameless...shoot she may be reading this) who at that time was the cutest girl I had ever seen in my life.  I opened the note and it read something to the effect of this:

I can recall the temporary state of paralysis that had overtaken my entire being.  My school work looked like it was written in Chinese, while my teacher and the subsequent chatter surrounding me sounded the adults Charlie Brown's (Peanuts) instructor.  What was this feeling I was experiencing?  How in the world was this girl able to just shut down my entire world with one note? I remember keeping the note for a little while, but to this day, I never really answered her.

That was my first experience where I found myself desiring the affection of someone who was outside of my family.  From that point forward, I found myself trying to gain some measure of acceptance from my peers.  I was always the oddball of the group and never was really viewed as one of the cool kids.  As the years went by, I stopped showing interest in various girls because my offers always got shot down.

Move forward to April 4, 2000 @ 11:58 a.m. (EST) when I made the most life-impacting decision in my history (at that point) and decided to give into my innermost carnal desires.  With her and the numerous women that followed thereafter, I was still in a constant search for that one thing...My interesting dating history and eventual marital experience all revolved in a feverous search of a treasure I just seem to have not been able to discover yet...

There's no doubt in my mind that we all desire to be loved, but yet what happens when we fall victim to being held captive by that desire?  I am willing to bet that some of the absolute WORST decisions that have been made in many of our lives was because of the fervent desire to be loved.

Love has the tendency to hold us within the prison cell of our hearts, while offering up our morals and standards as a ransom.  I can recall instances in my life where I did some things I said I would never do all in the name of being accepted.  But how do we break free?

This is one instance where I really do not have the specific answer, but I am just going to throw some things out there that may work:

1. You must first love yourself

What sense does it make to attempt giving someone our all, when we can't even stand the very sight of our own reflection?  This is probably the one attribute that has impaired my past relationships.  I think it's virtually impossible to love someone else while possessing turmoil within us.  We are only deceiving ourselves.

2. Don't be so quick to "fall in love" 

My grandfather taught me years back to never fall in love.  He said that whenever someone falls, they end up getting hurt.  I look at it as when we fall, we have no control of where we land or even the level of impact we will make with the spot we land on.  I feel we have to learn how to truly walk in love and be mature while doing so.

3. Love is not blind

I'm sure many of us can recall an experience where we entered into a serious relationship with someone we barely knew and professed it as being love.  Neurobiological studies show that the passion of love create feelings of euphoria and exhilaration.  It further states that the areas that are activated in response to romantic feelings coincide with the areas of the brain associated with reward, desire, addiction and once again euphoric states.  It's the release of dopamine that puts us in that feel-good state (this is where the term "dope" comes from, since cocaine contain high levels of dopamine and has that very effect on the body)

Love has to become more than just a momentary fix, but rather an intentional and intelligent decision that's made.  Love is truly a person that has to continually be nurtured and matured in our lives.  When love is present while lacking knowledge and maturity, that's when it becomes lust.  Lust goes deeper than just desiring sex.  It's mainly a passionate or overwhelming desire or craving.  Most of the time, many people lust for acceptance and attention and love is just the way they disguise it.

4.  Love is intentional 

I've learned the hard way that love takes time and effort into making it grow.  My grandmother taught me that love and marriage is not a vacation, but rather a vocation.  We really have to work towards truly nurturing and cultivating our relationships.  The same hold true with our friendships.  We have to grow past the point where we love in just word, but our deeds have to match as well.  Consistency is the best determinant as to if someone truly loves you unconditionally.

5.  Love is not controlling

There are many who have been in relationships where one of the parties have tried to have full control over the other.  From patrolling the messages that are in one's phone, to monitoring every single post that comes across their Facebook page, to having full control and autonomy over the friends that you are "allowed" to have.  I am not sure who would want to live in a prison like that.  There has to be true trust and respect involved to the level that all the person's fears can be alleviated.  If manipulation and blackmail are staples in your relationship, that cannot be healthy at all for you.  If great sex is all your partner can offer, or if that is what they primarily use to influence you and your decisions, is that really healthy for you?

My name is not Tony Gaskins and I am far from a relationship expert.  However, I am one who believes in having another opportunity to get it right.  This is probably the hardest subject matter I have been able to write about because I am still trying to find out what all entails properly going on this journey.  I'm excited about the prospects of love in the future.  Am I ready for love?  I think so, yet there are so many more opportunities I need to grow first.  I think we all can honestly say the same thing in so many areas of our own lives....

Feel free to share your thoughts below, for I definitely need feedback on this topic.